It’s the 3rd day back in Ipoh….
As usual, been starting work with Dad and as expected, I’ve been working on things already. Well, at least I felt that I’m helping him right now and he feels happier. I’m glad I could help Dad. Unlike back in Penang, I don’t feel so lonely now, coz everywhere I go I’ll be with Dad and at night, everyone is at home. I feel more belonged to now, and company does help to stop me from thinking too much. Nevertheless, it could only be put aside for a while, and could not be forgetting them totally.
As I time goes by, I began to realize more and more on how Dan felt when he wanted to end this relationship. I could feel how he felt the moment he opened his mouth to put an end to all our good and hardships, and on our love. The more I realise them, the more it hurts so much inside. It gets more and more intense as each and every minute goes by, and I can’t eat or sleep well at all. I recalled about his friend’s wife whom asked for a divorce after only a short moment being together. She told him that she has no more feelings for him. It turned out in the end, she was being with someone else already.
Well, Dan assured me it was not of the same reason. He told me we’re not compatible and it has to work both ways. His feelings are different already. But why am I doubting, if he could go to the extend to bring God in as his witness? I know how he loved God. I know him more than any other people, at least, on his relationship with God. But I could not understand and believe at all on what I’ve found out abput. I don’t seem to know this Dan at all. The Dan that I know is never like this before. I hope what I know/ found out are not facts. How I felt my world crumbling down on me when I knew about all of this. My heart is torn into pieces once again.
I’ve been very very confused. I think, and I think again. I try very hard to control myself, and try to have a clear mind to analyse the whole thing. Was there a little misunderstanding or miscommunication in between? Were the facts on the information got twisted with the facts not being first-hand? Or it’s just being so hard to believe this, and I am just finding excuses to protect him?
I don’t know. I do not want to believe in this, I do not want to believe that this is the Dan that I knew, trusted so much, and loved so much. The Dan that I know is righteous, and would not do anything to betray God.
I don't want to know that in the end, this is gonna be the truth. I do not know what’s gonna happen to me. If it is the truth, I do not expect him to be dishonest, that whatever he assured me and made me trust him so much that in the end it was all a big lie. I rather he be truthful and honest to me. And I can try to slowly put everything down, and learn to forget. Not like this. It will hurt me more, and here I am being fooled, betrayed and laid all alone here, dying slowly within. I’ll be in total despair, depressed, hurt and distrusts again. I’ll be in hell again.
Lord, please do not leave me, please strengthen me, and face all of this conflicts with You beside me. Don’t leave me alone. Please be with me. Without You, I am surely a goner. Please take care of this for me. Please handle this for me. I submit all of this on to You. Help me Lord. Tell me this is not true. Tell me that Dan was and is always real to You. Tell me that he really loves You.
No comments:
Post a Comment