Day 28 without Dan - Ok, I know, I'm Leaving for Real this Time..

I'm supposedly back in Ipoh already by now. Thank God I wasn't.

While I was busy handling my already-been infected-by-virus laptop, there came a call from an anonymous number which turned out to be a call from the clinic. To my surprise and frustration, the nurse told me they left out a blood test for my medical check up and I need to go back for it. Gosh, fortunately I'm still in Penang, if not I'll have to come back all the way again?? Sigh. Now they have to delay the process of my employment pass approval by 2 days (or more)..Double sigh..... =(

Gee, I never knew being back here this time could be so bored..Aunt Maggie's not around, Camilia's having chicken pox, and I'm stuck at home most of the time. Compared to back in Ipoh, I took the time to help Dad at the office and so time seems to pass much faster. This time back here, I had so much time to think over a lot of stuffs, get frustrated, get over it, control myself and adapt to it. There you have it, 'mou liu-ness' can make people crazy and I can't wait to get home!

This might be the last time I get back to Penang before I leave to SG, and so I did take the chance to get some good food, enjoy this place for the last time for now and head off to a new land. I know I'm gonna really miss Penang and the people here. This place was the place where I lived my teens with so many sweet and bitter memories, ups and downs, and joy and laughter. I really had a good time in this 2nd home of mine.

Dan would be coming back in a day's time. I bet he must've missed home so much. Now he can have the chance to be back and make full use of the time for it. I'm glad for him. I know he's gonna enjoy himself back here and I'm happy for him. Do be careful and take care of yourself, Dan =).

It's time for me to leave tomorrow. I'm gonna have one good look at the house, the surroundings and everything in it. I know I'm gonna really miss those days back here.

Bye for now , you're always gonna be on my mind~

Day 27 without Dan - What does the Future Holds for Me?

It's almost about a month without Dan now....Why am I not feeling happier...Everyday I would wake up feeling empty inside, as if a part of me is missing.

Well, that's what he thought, that I'll be happier..maybe he has to find his excuse to make this a valid reason I guess. There are always 101 reasons to love somebody, and also 101 reasons to not love somebody. I wonder what is it so happy about losing a precious person in life. I guess he just doesn't need somebody that loves him so much..

Am I still excited about life? Well, yeah, part of it, because I got a new job and I'm looking forward to a new life. I know times will be much more challenging because by then I'll be more alone most of the time. I would have to deal with those weird feelings again. Let's just hope that work will keep me busy and I don't have to grow insane over time. I just have to look forward and try my best to overcome every challenges ahead, and I know I'll be more grown up by then.

This is always my motto for life -Always willing to learn from mistakes and willing to improve. We can never be the best, but we'll be the best that we can be out of ourselves-

I hope things will be good in SG. I pray that I'll be cared for and be blessed with Christian batchmates, so we can support each other and keeping a sight on each other that we'll never loose sight of God. I pray that the landlord of the house/room will be a great person with a good personality that we may be able to get along with. I know they'll be lotsa politics, but I guess every job has theirs. I know things are not gonna be easy, so I just have to learn how to cope with it and hang to God that He'll take care of me.

As for the future, well, I don't know. I'll just follow where God leads me. I may be flying for long, I may not. Nothing will be certain for now. Maybe God wants me to leave halfway and serve Him, or being a good woman for a good man. Who knows? haha. The future is all in God's hands, for He is the author of our lives.

As for Dan, I hope he is happier now, that he doesn't have to take care of this kid anymore. I hope he doesn't have to feel stressed up everyday that this kid is still a kid and doesn't thinks of the future. I hope that he'll wake up to a new day everyday, without a burden in his heart anymore. I know God is with him, and I know he'll be taken care of. As hard as it is to let go, I'm forced to do it. But if he's happier, what more can I ask for?

Day 26 without Dan- Still in Penang

-Learning and Refining in Cooking!-

This.....is what I made over the weekend with Camilia. Spaghetti ala Chinese style! hahaha. We had this made in 30 minutes and everyone who tried can't help but commended on it..hehe, not too bad for an amateur ey? ;)

I personally felt that it was really different from the many ones that I've tasted (even Dan's =p). I felt it was actually extra addictive. While we were enjoying our meal, we analysed each and every ingredient and our cooking methods and finally, we discovered the "secret"...wanna know what it is? Well, you gotta try it before you know it! ;)

Next up, my plan is to refine the 'mushroom soup chicken rice' dish! I remember making this dish once for Dan, n it was actually quite a simple dish. But now, I'm gonna go with pasta instead and making the pasta a lil' more fragrant..hmm..that should be good. Also, I had my first attempt to make 'home-fried noodles' but it still needed some refining though..and I will be working on some soups too (hey, I know how to cook ABC!) Oh well, I guess it's not too bad for a start up and these skills would be useful when I settle down in SG. Hm, I think I'm starting to like cooking :).

They say a key to a man's heart is to know how to cook. For me, I think it is very crucial for a woman to know how to cook, and to know how to do the necessary chores at home, for it is the basic skills to start up and maintain a family. The man will be longing to come home for a good, sumptous meal, and appreciate every single day for his wife to be by his side. And, the wife has to be a capable, but sweet and loving wife and mother for the husband and kids. This is what I realised the modern working women are lacking of. Yup, they are capable, working hard everyday, but most of them do not cook, what more handling the chores in the house? That explains why their kitchen can be so clean most of the time...haha.

Well, I guess going to SG also has one good benefit for me; I will learn to be more independent, and I will have to put my hands on everything. I do clean my room once in a while, but by then, I will have to clean it more often. I will have to deal with food myself and cook more. These are the keys to survival, and it'll be a good training for me to be a fully, real grown up lady ;).

-At Jolene's Birthday party-

Jolene had her 21st birthday party at her home and her parents gave her a surprise by calling us in secretly. While she got in the door, we greeted her with a loud, LOUD "Surprise!" and there she was, stoned at the door. Haha. Glad to see her being so happy. How sweet of her parents to do that for her~ After the party, we popped by Kelvyn's house to take a look at his dogs; Max, the Golden Retriever n Ferbie, the Shih Tzu. Alrite, there's such a contrast between the two. Max is such a Big dog and Ferbie is so much smaller, and is almost blind...that poor thing.

Later on, we had a little talk about music and how powerful it is as an influence to the world. Without a doubt music can really change the world, and Satan's definitely not missing out the chance to divert the people's attention from the Truth; notice there are so many anti-Christ bands instead of any other religions. It is not wrong for us to be involved in music, as long as we do not go over the limit and do things differently from the others that glorifies God, I think it's already a good testimony to others. I guess it's not only to music, but also to other things in life, especially people in the market place.

Never be embarassed to let people know you're a Christian. And I can bet temptation is very real, especially being the only one there. That is why it is so very important to keep a close relationship with God and let God lead the way instead of listening to ourselves. It can be very dangerous at times when we tend to listen to our head and not our heart. Our heart is where God's presence is, and where God put our real concious. If we have our heads on the matter first, do think twice and listen to our hearts, and that's where God will start working in us to act and do the right thing~

Day 24 without Dan- Waiting, Planning and Preparing..

It's supposedly my last day in Penang before heading back to my home sweet home. I hope I can spend more time with Mom n Dad before I leave to SG...

The doctor told me on Wednesday my medical report will be ready by next Monday. Boy, I can't wait for the results to be sent for the employment pass approval and I heard it will take about 2-3 weeks. Let's hope it'll be done as soon as possible. I've been hearing about others of not getting their employment pass approval for 2 months or more, and I really wish mine wouldn't be that long. I wanna start work ASAP coz I think I've been hanging around for too long already. It's time to be a lil' more productive.

I gotta be home soon and start packing to move. I just moved back to Ipoh not too long ago and my stuffs are still in the boxes. Well, I wanted to bring them out, but there's no place to put them and the worst thing is, there is no closet in my room :S Furthermore, I was waiting for the interview in KL at that mean time working for Dad in the office. Sigh, my income's running low and I still have commitments to fulfill. Transition periods are tough...

I've been looking up on the room rental sites and manage to spot a few locations that should be suitable. I gotta be planning and arranging for accomodations and things to settle down when I'm there; opening a bank account, getting a phone line, looking up for furnitures andthings for the house/room, and get use to the life there. I bet things will be very different when I get there. Besides, when I'm settled down, I gotta help Uncle Danny to find for a job here too. Well, in a way it would be good for him n his future wife too ;). Arrrgghhh....suddenly there seems to be so many things to do at the same time! Yes, I just gotta take things slowly...*deep breath*

Now it's just waiting...and in the mean time, please don't think so much girl. You're gonna be alright there. Look forward to a new life, Mom and Dad's waiting for you to bring them good times! May the Holy Spirit live in me and I will stay pure in everything I do...May I glorify our Lord with my life. Amen.

Day 23 without Dan- Still Can't be Alone yet..

arrrghhh....starting to think too much again..I really still can't be alone for the time being. It's so hard! So many things could come and cloud my mind everytime I'm alone. Sigh....

Been trying to keep myself busy and been looking for company so I don't have to be at home alone..but I still have to be back at home for the nights..and there you go..the thoughts come back and I will wake up very early the next morning. It seems I do not need so much rest and the lack of sleep symptoms doesn't seem to get me anymore. I wonder what is wrong with me..

Time to time, I would be thinking and pondering on the past. Things that's happening around me seems to reflect the past, and I start to see things more clearly; I'll be like "no wonder this, no wonder that", and I'm trying very hard to get over it.

-When Love and Hate Collide-

How can you love somebody when you also hate that somebody at the same time? As time goes by, I seem to understand the way he feels as I slowly get into his shoes. I start to understand that when a person has been very decisive and standing strong on their decision, there's nothing I can hope for the person to change from their decisions.

I hate him. I hate him for being so cruel towards the relationship, being so cruel towards a person that love him so much, being cruel to put everything down so easily. It seems so easy for him to do so. I learned so much until I started to change my attitude towards love and relationship. Does it pay to be so loyal, sincere and loving somebody till the end no matter what? There, I think I got it. The answer is NO.

Day 21 without Dan- back in Penang

Came back to Penang for a medical check up, at the same time had a little time to catch up with my buddies.

It's really great to be able to catch up with them, especially when i'm alone back here. It's actually been quite tiring for these few weeks coz I've been travelling almost every weekend, and now I'm gonna be here till the weekend. I wanted to stay till next week, but then I know I'm gonna be quite bored coz Aunt Maggie's not here and it's like back to the olden days again. Besides, I don't think I'm ready to be alone again for too long ..

Having buds/family to keep me company really make a difference. At least there's someone there when I need them, and to know that they care for and love me. I'm not gonna be alone and I don't have to be thinking too much for the time being. Days seemes to be easier to pass by. That's why I know I have to be extra strong when i get to SG...

Mom and Dad have been mentioning about the job that I got in SG since I came back. They're really glad about it and Mom's been proud, coz she said I fulfilled her dreams this time. Gee, at least I guess I've fulfilled both Mom n Dad's dreams, haha. Well, besides being proud about it, they're glad I'm able to help out on the family's finances. Mom was telling me about helping out in the house instalments. At last, I can officially contribute to my family. Mom n Dad had been carrying this burden for a long time and it's time I do my part. With a higher income like this, I bet Dad would be so much better off. It ain't a small sum for the house instalment, but I'm gonna work my way up for it. Dad hasn't been travelling since we were born and I hope to really bring them out one day =).

For some reasons, quite a number of people do really have negative thoughts about the job. Mun kinda reminded me to be aware and keep my conscious clear so that I won't be influenced and go party every nite, and Dan didn't agree on this job choice because bad influences and temptations are there. However, personally for me, no doubt there'll be temptations, but I still think it's all up to that one self, that person, that unique self.

I got to know a batchmate who is a MAS air-stewardess for 3 years and a Christian. She was positive about the job and she liked it alot. We were discussing about the job nature and being close to God in this job really helps. She told me she would go to church everytime when there's a chance, and she brings her bible with her when she flies. No doubt there are times when she has to miss church, she will keep her close to God and constantly pray at all times. Now that's a good example for me to learn from. So it doesn't seem that all people of the same career are acting the same and behaving the same and doing the same thing.

For me, I'm clear of myself and the way I behave at work, in singing and also in competitions. I'm glad the Holy Spirit is always in me and He always shows me what is right and what is wrong, and I perfectly know what needs to be done. People might be skeptical and I don't blame them for that, but I guess time will tell and it's up to myself to stay clear and doing the right thing that glorifies God in all my ways.

To be honest, I did really have deep thoughts about this career even though it seemed that I've already nothing to worry about at my current state. I thought about the future that I'm gonna have and all. It really sounds like the light is not so bright in the future for this career, and so I had serious dicussions with Dad. Dad told me that I should go do what I want to do now, coz he has plans for us. What I meant about plans are business plans. Always being business-minded, he told me about advancing in business and he already had minds on this. It turned out at the end we're having same thoughts and we're on the same path together. At least I know now that my plans are not only dreams, but achievable goals.

God be my witness throughout my next journey of life...

Day 17 without Dan- the interview in KL

It's my 3rd day now in KL...

I took the 7pm bus straight after work and reached KL at about 10pm. Although I didn't have a good nite sleep before, I couldn't seem to rest my eyes. My mind was wondering about so many things that I'm going to face in the near future if all things go well; I'd have to move to a new place, I'll be all alone again, and I've to leave my family again. This time, I'm gonna be really alone coz Aunt Maggie's not there anymore.

Hmm..I wonder if I could actually deal with it and handle all things by myself. I perfectly know what I have to do and the daily chores I've to work on, but I just didn't really need to put my hands on those previously. I guess I just need to put a little practice and everything will be fine.
Back in the bus, I was accompanied by the mp3s I recorded in my phone. I've got Ayu's final song's demo sung by Juwita Suwito, and a few other real cool tracks. The song reminded me of the finals, and Juwita. Gee, I can't wait for her to come up with her new album.

The walk-in interview was the next day. Of course everybody would be nervous and excited about it, and I can't seem to really sleep that night. I woke up the next morning feeling dazed, but it doesn't seem to matter to me coz there's more important things for me to face. I reached the hotel very early, and I wasn't the only one. There were so many more waiting to get into the holding room. Over the hours, I guess there were about 400-500 that people showed up, n I believe there were many experience ones. I laid everything in God's hands, and I pray for His presence to be with me. Without Him, I am nothing.

There were 4 rounds altogether. The 1st round was a brief introduction about ourselves, n we're required to do that in a group of 10. I think it was just to see how we present ourselves. It went well for me and 2 of us got through the next round; the uniform testing. Again, 10 of us were in a group and finally, only 3 of us got through. The 3rd round is all about your wisdom, experience and knowledge. I overheard a few people discussing about the questions after the 1v1 interview. Surely enough, I know everyone will not be asked the same questions. hat's why most importantly, we should prepare ourselves by doing researches and start pondering about the answers. Most importantly, I think we should be honest, sincere and passionate. At last, to my surprise, the interviewer liked me and said I have the potential to grow in this career. He really wished that I could go through and send me off to the final round.

I was delighted, and I know God was with me all the while. Although I was nervous, I gave my best and being down-to-earth at all times (it's always my nature). It came to the final round and I was a bit more relieved, till I get to the final holding room. I realised I won't be able to be through till I get through this round. Then all my efforts I put in the previous rounds will be just wasted away like that. The nervousness came back again when I saw a few people failed in this round. Soon enough, it was my turn. I prayed my final prayer before I entered the room, and maintain the naturality in me before I entered the room. The interview ended in 15 minutes, and I came up and waited for the results. To my big big relief, I was successful.

How wonderful I felt at that time, and I keep thanking God for His faithfulness. Next up is the medical check-up, and if all things are well, we will proceed to SG starting our training. I pray for God'a healing hands to be on me, and may I be cleansed in the blood of Jesus Christ, that my body is healthy and free from sickness and be healed in Jesus' name.

I've dedicated my life to God, and I promised Him I will keep my monthly tithes for God, having Him taking control over my finance, which I've not done this before. Afterall, everything I have is His. It's time to get real and serious with God, and I lay my life on Him. All Glory and Praise be to our Lord.

I'm one step nearer to Singapore,yay! =D

Day 15 without Dan- Emotional

“~At the verge of a broken heart is just emotions, taking me over, caught up in sorrow lost in my soul, but if you don’t come back, come home to me darling~”

Women- they are always more emotional than men. They react according to feelings before thinking rationally. Before they could think properly, their tears and emotions take over. They are sensitive human beings. They tend to think too much and cause themselves to be sorrowful. Sometimes, it is so hard for a woman to accept and understand what a man is doing, likewise men towards women. Men may be acting more practically, but this doesn’t seem to be rational for the women. Women whom are able to control and suppress that natural behaviour of being emotional, in actual fact are very sorrowful too. They do not show them, but in fact keep in themselves and start crying, when no one is looking. Their hearts will slowly be hardened, and their perspectives will change. They slowly change themselves to look at a different way towards life. Some may end up being at the wrong side of the road, and others just hold on and push forward no matter how challenging the road seems to be to seek for real happiness.

Some characters may change and they keep on improving themselves. Some may just continue to be just who they are, or they tend not to believe in the opposite sex anymore when it comes to relationships. They see men in materialistic measures, and will use them only for self-protection and safety. They do not see relationship as something serious or real and true love doesn‘t really matters, but rather the money that is more practical. Some people resort to being homosexuals, because a partner of the same sex seems to understand them more then the opposite sex.

Now what is the reason? -Most men are not truthful. “Which cat doesn’t eats fish?” , they may ask. This world is a realistic world. There may be some good ones, but very less, or rare -most probably close to extinction (this is what reality in actual fact forces women to believe in). So we can’t blame people for believing and seeing things that way. Somehow Satan has taken control of the world and people now are like living servants to him. And the world, seems to be so hopeless…..

The only way to seek real protection, trust and a real relationship is from God. God always reminds us that He will provide because He loves us. Even sparrows do not have to worry about what to eat, what more His love towards us? Sometimes it’s just so confusing, because God doesn’t reveal His ways in you. Although you are here committing yourself to God, He still wants us to make our own decisions. In the end, if it is wrong, you’ll be punished, or not getting what God intended to give you. Why can’t God just tell us? Then we wont have to make mistakes and suffer so much.

Grow up girl…there’s a long way for you to go. You think you’ve seen it all? This is just the beginning. The world has no place for innocence and immaturity.

Day 13 without Dan- Steam and Shrunk Appetite

Not enough sleep today…. =S
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling so warm with so many mosquito bites today…darn! I havent been having enough sleep for quite some time already and this makes it worst. Sigh…steamingly steam….

All rite, SAND’s album is on it’s way to Taiwan! These guys from Church of Praise, Ipoh are actually on a mission trip to Taiwan for 10 days on 29th April. I bet things are gonna be exciting for them, and I pray that God will be with them and may they shine in the presence of the Lord. I do one day hope to be on a mission trip too. I pray that God will give me a chance to do that someday. Just waiting for Your call, Daddy. =)

A friend of mine popped by Ipoh the day before yesterday on his way back to Penang from KL. It was surprising that he was willing to come by and visit me back here, coz usually people find it very inconvenient and not practical. Oh well, we managed to hang out for the day after work. At least someone to accompany me and overcome the boredom, at the same to free my mind a lil’ bit. For some reasons I don’t see him as I use to see him before already. Being at the same age, I guess he’s still exploring the world like I am, and the one thing I can see from him is that settling down is not one of his goals anytime soon. I guess everybody needs their own time to grow and change. Maybe he hasn’t been exploring enough yet, and I’m sure he’ll be a good man someday. It kind of reflected on myself; I guess I’ve been too serious sometimes in looking to have a serious relationship too early, where I didn’t even realise that my personal being is actually not ready and not able to take up such challenge yet. And I’ve to end up dissapointing others, sigh…the immature me is still growing up…

I haven’t been having a good appetite for quite some time too actually. Every meal I would just gobble up a few spoons and leave the rest on the table. Just can’t seem to find the same appetite as before anymore. Well, looking at the bright side, it’s a good thing too that I can control my weight. Dan always wanted me to slim down, and I remember telling him that my slimmest moments will be the moments when I’m most sad and depressed, and surely enough it is, but he hasn’t the chance to see it. I saw my weight coming down drastically within a few weeks, and I think I’ve broke my personal record for having the slimmest record to date. What to do, at times like this I can’t really eat; it seems everything’s tasteless and I do not crave for the things that I use to crave for anymore. My appetite shrunk, and I can’t seem to push down any extra stuff into my stomach anymore. Oh well, I guess I still need more time to get over it before getting back the appetite again.

Gosh, this period of transition seems to be taking forever. Darn, I hate to wait and wait like this. And what’s worse, the worst thing has to happen within this period of time. I can’t fast forward the time, and everyday I just have to wait patiently and being forced to allow bad things to happen, day by day. The transition period is already tough enough, let alone the bad things that happened. For once it seems everything is out of my control. But I hung on, tried my best to save it, and at the end, proven to be useless and a waste of time and energy. Well, if God wants to allow it to happen, I can’t do much about it. Quick, I wanna get a job fast and get on with a new life!!

It’s time I look through my life at another angle, and a totally different goal in life. I had once hopes for the previous one, and I saw that future of mine very clearly with a happy ending. I once was determined to strive for it. Now, my future that I see is once again blurred, and I have to strive for a whole new destiny again. This time I want to be walking within God’s path. I know if I stick to it, I will not be lost, coz He will guide me and be with me till the end.

Day 11 without Dan- Letting Everything Go

I thought the problem in my nostrils was getting better. There’s still phlegm though with pain on the right cheek. I hope I’ll be ok before it gets worst and I have to look for the doctor.

My weekend started off with a good news. I’ve received an update where we’ve always expected and finally it’s really happening! SAND’s music is going to be making its way to Taiwan! Aunty Lucy always shared with us about our gospel music going international, and this time it’s really happening =D. God is very real and He will fulfill what He has promised when we love, obey and follow Him, and we shall not have doubts in His ways. Praise the Lord! ;)
Ok, of course I’m excited that SAND music is going international, but I’m even happier that God’s music gets to go beyond the 4 walls of the church to touch and change peoples lives. I feel so much being in God’s plan as He slowly reveals His purpose in me.

Dan went fishing over the weekend. I’m glad he’s able to free his mind and enjoy doing what he likes to do most Well, as for me, many thoughts were in my mind; usually things like that happen when our minds are out of the ‘work’ mode. Well, things are always not easy to get over with on my side. It came to a point where I can be so difficult and not willing to accept the hard facts. I was just being stubborn and listening to myself and believe in only what I feel within. It came to a point where I thought he would miss me like I do, he would want to make things work again like I do- kind of like falsely hoping for things to come true. I would miss him so much, and the every next morning I will always feel the worst.

Well, like I said, God is good. As I seek Him and rest in His arms, He slowly reveal things for me to see, and I slowly began to understand bit by bit, what is actually happening on his side, and what happened to us. I was blind to see so many things that happened over the past, and now I just have to learn the hard way to let go. Foolish me. I am very immature in handling love and relationship. Lesson learned now.

Dan called me a while ago when he just got back from the trip. At first, it seems to me that things were going well when I received his call, but then it wasn’t as good as I thought it is. Well, I kinda expected that he will say things and reacted like that to me, I just didn’t know it’ll hurt that much. I’m just not prepared and not willing to accept the fact, thinking there was still hope somewhere, somehow. Being expressive or possibly immature, I wasn’t able to handle the situation properly. I started being emotional. I wasn’t strong enough to pretend and show that things are good on my side. Well, he did the right thing by being cruel and harsh on decisions, coz I’m not strong enough to do it.

At least it killed every bit of false hope I have for myself. To some point, I was very angry at him being like that. His words were once again like knives stabbing through the open wounds as if he never realized they were there. I start to regret on the things that was sacrificed, coz they did not return me the most precious thing in my life. I can still not believe that a person whom once loved me so much can change so drastically over time. I was too blind and naïve to think that the relationship was from God and we’re suppose to share a future together, not separated like this. I was so naïve that I was going to make again another decision to sacrifice, trying to make things work. How silly I was. Well, I just gotta accept that he is not part of my life anymore, that I can’t care and interfere in his personal life anymore.

Many more sleepless nights, many more tears, and this will end. I still mind about what happened over the past relationship. It’s still awkward for me to see him being with someone else and without a doubt, it will be the same or worse for this one as well. I wonder how long it will take this time. Every now and then, memories keep popping up and everytime it’s like nails puncturing into my heart. How I wish I have amnesia and we’ve never known each other before. I wish I’ve never met him before. I wish I’ve never been to the church where we first met. I wish he did not come to the place where I sang.

It’s time to let everything go. Well, since this love is not appreciated, I think somebody else deserves it more. He has hurt me enough. Chill girl, you can pull it through. You’ve been determined enough and you did everything you can to save it. Since it didn’t work out, you don’t have to turn back. Just look and head forward. You deserve better. Time to turn to the next chapter of life.

Day 9 without Dan

I gotta go to the hospital...

My nostrils have been giving me problems lately. Not that I'm having flu or sinus which is causing the problems, but green, thick phlegm has been continuously flowing from my nostrils to my throat, that I have to spit them out continuously. At times, my right cheek will be in pain. I ignored it thinking it was because of heatiness that caused this pain. This has been happening for about 3 weeks. I do not know what is the cause, but I suspect there's an infection. Oh gosh..what a good time to be sick.

I've got another company that came back to me today for a job interview. Well, at least I know that it's worth all the searching. I'm happy to know there's still hope and I'm gonna have to be there by 25th Apr again. I called Dan last night, asking for directions to go to the interview place. I'm glad he didn't shun me off and treat me coldly. It's a relief to know that he still cares for me.

Dan assured me the reason this happened to us is not because of another person, or any other 3rd party. This time, it's more specific and precise, assuring me with God being his witness. He told me he would be honest to me he is with somebody. I can't say or give strong evidence to support my reasons for believing in him, but I know him well to believe him at some point. I know how honest, serious and responsible especially he will be when it comes to God. This is the Dan I know, and have always believed in.

Although I'm a little relieved, I'm still confused. I hope I don't have to think so much. I do not want to suspect or get worried so much, as I know God will handle this for me. I leave and submit them all to God. God will take care of this for me. If my Lord is with me, who can be against me? I've submit my life to God. I should let Him take over the steering wheel, and I shall rest in His arms, with comfort and peace.

I don't know whether I could find any better ones for a life partner. I just know that I've missed a very very good one in my life. Someone who loves God so much, and could always lead me to God. Someone who reminds me of God's love. Don't push me away, Dan. Please don't. I'm more than shattered to loose you. I'm only clinging to God with every last bit of strength I could find inside me. You know how much I love you. You know how much it hurts for me to loose you. I miss you....

Day 8 without Dan- being very confused...

It’s the 3rd day back in Ipoh….

As usual, been starting work with Dad and as expected, I’ve been working on things already. Well, at least I felt that I’m helping him right now and he feels happier. I’m glad I could help Dad. Unlike back in Penang, I don’t feel so lonely now, coz everywhere I go I’ll be with Dad and at night, everyone is at home. I feel more belonged to now, and company does help to stop me from thinking too much. Nevertheless, it could only be put aside for a while, and could not be forgetting them totally.

As I time goes by, I began to realize more and more on how Dan felt when he wanted to end this relationship. I could feel how he felt the moment he opened his mouth to put an end to all our good and hardships, and on our love. The more I realise them, the more it hurts so much inside. It gets more and more intense as each and every minute goes by, and I can’t eat or sleep well at all. I recalled about his friend’s wife whom asked for a divorce after only a short moment being together. She told him that she has no more feelings for him. It turned out in the end, she was being with someone else already.

Well, Dan assured me it was not of the same reason. He told me we’re not compatible and it has to work both ways. His feelings are different already. But why am I doubting, if he could go to the extend to bring God in as his witness? I know how he loved God. I know him more than any other people, at least, on his relationship with God. But I could not understand and believe at all on what I’ve found out abput. I don’t seem to know this Dan at all. The Dan that I know is never like this before. I hope what I know/ found out are not facts. How I felt my world crumbling down on me when I knew about all of this. My heart is torn into pieces once again.

I’ve been very very confused. I think, and I think again. I try very hard to control myself, and try to have a clear mind to analyse the whole thing. Was there a little misunderstanding or miscommunication in between? Were the facts on the information got twisted with the facts not being first-hand? Or it’s just being so hard to believe this, and I am just finding excuses to protect him?

I don’t know. I do not want to believe in this, I do not want to believe that this is the Dan that I knew, trusted so much, and loved so much. The Dan that I know is righteous, and would not do anything to betray God.

I don't want to know that in the end, this is gonna be the truth. I do not know what’s gonna happen to me. If it is the truth, I do not expect him to be dishonest, that whatever he assured me and made me trust him so much that in the end it was all a big lie. I rather he be truthful and honest to me. And I can try to slowly put everything down, and learn to forget. Not like this. It will hurt me more, and here I am being fooled, betrayed and laid all alone here, dying slowly within. I’ll be in total despair, depressed, hurt and distrusts again. I’ll be in hell again.

Lord, please do not leave me, please strengthen me, and face all of this conflicts with You beside me. Don’t leave me alone. Please be with me. Without You, I am surely a goner. Please take care of this for me. Please handle this for me. I submit all of this on to You. Help me Lord. Tell me this is not true. Tell me that Dan was and is always real to You. Tell me that he really loves You.

Day 6 without Dan

1st day, really settling down in Ipoh after 5 years…

I went with dad to the office to help out today. It seems there’s nothing much to do, being my 1st day at work. Dad hasn’t the time to coach me on stuffs, and so I just gotta get use to the environment here. It seems there’s much help needed at the production side, but it would nullify my purpose for being here. Furthermore, I could only be helping out if I were big/bulk enough. I’m supposed to be assisting at the admins. Dad told me he’s got some accounts for me to work on later. At least there’s something. Dad’s been telling me about lotsa stuff about his business since I’m back. Well, at least I’m trying give him some help now.

Dan didn’t call me today… and this time I didn’t take the initiative to call him either, unlike last time. Things seems so different now and to be honest, I have not got used to it. It seems something’s left out, like something’s just missing. We’ve been communicating with each other almost everyday, at least to say a ‘hello’ or a ‘how are you doing’ to catch up and concern. But it seems it’s not important now…Like what he’ve said, if the person still loves you, he will long to talk to you, and misses you everyday. He wouldn’t hesitate to call you, telling you how he misses you, and couldn’t wait to meet you and be with you.

It’s so different already. Everyday I would long to talk to him, and would call him to see how’s he doing. It wouldn’t mind to me if it costs me a lot and my phone bill goes sky rocketing, coz I think it’s worth it. It’s worth all of it to maintain and keep our relationship, or at least my love for him. Although I still wanted so much to do that now too, I couldn’t anymore. He is right, it has to work both ways. He’ve been trying to tell me how things are from his side, which I failed to fully understand. Maybe because I’ve never been in his shoes before and I haven’t felt the way he feels before. I just hope he's being truthful to me all this while.

I want so much to hang on, to open that door in his heart once again that is shut. He would peek through the door once in a while but most of the time, it will be closed and it becomes a gate. You can see through the gates, but you couldn’t get inside. Here I am, standing on the other side of the gate…I have a key, but it’s not the right key to open that gate. It fits in the lock, but it just wouldn’t open. Or at least, he wouldn’t let me open it.

Am I just still trying to force things to happen? Yeah, forcing wouldn’t lead to anywhere, it will only make things worse. I will not be too emotional and make things from bad to worse again. I must control myself. Still, deep down inside, it’s so saddening as if I’ve been stabbed through many times, and slowly pulling the knives out. The wounds hurt so much, and I wonder how long will it take to heal.

I pray and ask Daddy everyday to forgive me for the past, when I didn’t listen to Him. I regretted so much for things that happened, and I really hope Daddy will only give me one more chance to make things happen. I would do anything to bring it back and make it work. I pray that Daddy will take things from my hands, and I just follow wherever He leads me to. Daddy knows best for me.

I wonder what is he doing everyday…I wonder whether he would have had his breakfast everyday, I wonder who will he be hanging out with when he’s lonely, I wonder who would he confide in when he’s matters and issues clouding his mind. I wonder whether he would still be thinking of me, I wonder if he still misses me.. even only for a little while.

I pray to Daddy to take care of Him everyday. I pray that he will be in good hands, coz he loves Him, and He is the first in his heart. I ask Daddy to work in him, that he will change and improve from his weaknesses, so that he will not repeat the same mistakes anymore. I pray that Daddy will keep him company when he feels lonely, sad or depressed, and when he needs someone to talk to.

Daddy, please let him know that there is still someone here who thinks of him, missing him and praying for him everyday….our love may have failed, but Yours will not forever.

Day 5 without Dan

Sometimes I feel I'm such a hypocrite..

Don't just say it, do it! Bring yourself back together and be strong! Do not be shaken so easily...You'll be destroying yourself only, look forward to a new life, and do not think about the past anymore..The past is the past, don't ponder on it anymore, coz it wouldn't do any good.

Please, don't make things worse anymore, ok girl? God is there to lead the way, and you shouldn't take things into your own hands anymore, even if you don't fully understand the reason this is happening. You will need time to get over this. It'll hurt a lot like last time, but after that, it'll be ok..It will, and you gotta trust that you can make it, ok? God is with you, He loves you and you won't be condemned in Him.

You gotta grow to become a mature lady..you're just so childish, looking at the small goals in life. You've neglected the more important things in life, especially those for the future. Were you too young to think of this? Or you just couldn't catch up because you're slow to mature? Were you blind enough to not listen to the right things that was told to you?

Sigh..maybe it's just fate. If it is yours, it is yours. Forcing things wouldn't do things any good. Happiness wouldn't be made through forcing.

It's time to let things go and pursue for your future and for your family. Remember you said that you want to learn how to love God more? Remember you said that you want to honour Him by obeying His commandments? Let bygones be bygones...

Please be strong...Please..you gotta be strong, girl...don't fail anymore, ok?

Oh God...it hurts so much when the memories came back, it hurts so much to have the flashbacks..I miss them so much...

Day 4 without Dan

It's my last day in Penang..

I'm gonna miss this place..In fact I'm starting to miss this place already. My 2nd home, where I face and went through the transition period of my life..from being a teenager, to a young adult.

Gee..how i wish I'm still studying. That was the time when everybody enjoys school days and never had to worry so much about the future because our first priority was to pass our exams, n get good grades. Hmm..well, it was different for me coz I had to get on with a part-time to support my daily expenses. I wasn't exactly alone in Penang; living with Aunt Maggie sure did a lot of help. And so I consider myself more fortunate compared to the others living in hostels and depending fully on themselves.

Aunt Maggie didn't treat me exceptionally when it comes to work. I was treated equally with everyone else. It was tough being a beginner in the working world. There's without a doubt tears, depression and pressure that accompanied those days but thank God, by His strength I pulled through.

It's time to go through another challenging period of life again. I wonder how many challenging times a person has to go through to grow up. The more you grow, the harder the challenges get, and the sadder you grow.

I'm going to a new place. At least I'm planning and preparing to go there. It's another turning point of my life, and new things will happen. In the mean time, I've to let things be as it is, and prepare for the new things that will happen in life.

Phew, making way to a new place sure is hard; being the pioneer of my family (haha) so that my family (especially my parents) can have a better life in the future. I really wish I could let them have a good time in the near future..they never really had chances to go overseas and enjoy since they had kids (We're such a burden... =( ) . Thinking back, we didn't really play our role as good children to them. My dad's the breadwinner of the house, and yet, we didn't know how to appreciate when we were kids, and made him so mad everytime he gets home.

But as I grew up, I realise how great my dad was. He wants to give us the best, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness. He reminds me of our Father in Heaven. My dad's love alone can be so great, let alone out Father in Heaven who created the universe, the heavens and you and me. He had our hair numbered and He knows us even before we're borned. He made bad things bad, and good things good for a reason, and we're in no position to question Him.

Dear Lord, help me and my brothers to realise and learn how to appreciate our parents, for they remind us of Your great Love to us. Honouring our parents is like honouring You, for it is Your commandment to us. I do not want to take matters into my own hands anymore, and I surrender my life to You. I do not want to fail and loose another time. I've failed enough to learn to listen to You. Please work in me and help me to see the parts that I've failed to see, that I may improve and change. Help me to be a better person and learn from my mistakes, so that I won't be condemned in life.

May God be my witness. May all praise be unto You. All this in Jesus name that I ask and pray, Amen.

Day 3 without Dan

Yeah..yeah..i've awakened already.

Heard it, confirmed, reaffirmed again...I just have to get it into my hard head.

C'mon..it's clear now. He just don't have enough love for you, don't you get it?? He's just not sure that he'll ever find someone better than you..Yeah, there's not enough love..

Oh well, since this is what he's decided, can I do anything bout it? I just have to live with it.

Love is not easy, at least I know it's not easy for everyone. But God has made me into such that I'm loyal and willing to accept the person for who they are, if that is the person I chose to be with for life. And the Holy Spirit has made me see what is righteous in God's eyes, where everyone else, or maybe most of them do not see.

I guess now I have to get on with life. Having a real good conversation doesn't mean things will definitely make a good turn. Don't be too hopeful and definite. Don't be too naive anymore ok.

Till then, time will tell, and God be our witness.

Oh sadness..please don't come back...Perhaps I have to learn how to see the world differently now. You're not that young girl anymore..don't be so naive.

Dear God, please strengthen me, as I'm struggling very hard to face the coming challenges; being independent, learning the hard fact that I'm really on my own now..and I'm not in any position to change or do anything about people's future, except mine.

Please work in me to be a better person for You. Please fulfill Your purpose in my life before I leave this world, because You're the reason why I'm here. Please open doors for me wherever You want me to go...

Day 2 without Dan

Phew..the 1st day is over. Sigh, how come it seems days are so hard to pass by now? I wonder when will be the time when I don't have to take notice of the time and days that passed by and live happily. Going through this whole process again is not easy. I wonder how long it will take this time...I know tears and heartaches will accompany these days again..

Well, I strongly believe if love is true, it will definitely give way to flaws, and learn to accept the very different partner in life. The truth is, it's because the love is not enough to be compatible with the much greater love of the other partner, who is willing to sacrifice anything to make things better. It doesn't seem that sacrifices is too big, cause, to this person, it is all worth while.
To have a better life with this partner, and a good family, why not?

To me, it's not my own happiness that I want to pursue anymore, but for the happiness of the both of us. That's why I chose to sacrifice this. Love is all about sacrifice. It is not that I sacrifice this just to salvage the relationship, but it came to the point that I realise life is so much more about self-happiness, and it is so much more meaningful to have a fulfilled life together.

Is he telling me this because he can't give me that happiness? Why wouldn't I be fulfilled if I have a good life with my partner, for life? Is there anymore meaning for me to pursue my passion if I've lost te more precoius thing lin life? Or he just can't accept me, even though I've changed?
Does he not understands this??? I didn't know he knew me so well, even beyond my own understanding of myself.

Maybe it is because the love he has is not enough. Maybe he thinks somebody out there deserves more of his love. And that somebody out there, is able to be compatible with him in the future. I can't be complaining much. Love sometimes can be very selfish. Maybe I should learn one day to be selfish too.

I know how he feels. Nobody will love the person too much to let the person go. Don't be too naive of yourself, please, girl.

Well, maybe all this sacrifices doesn't seem to be meaningful to him. Maybe to him, it's like putting a different jigsaw puzzle together. Sometimes it's better to be truthful than to put meanings in other words to make them look better.

Wake up girl, the sky is not as blue as you think!

Day 1 without Dan

It's been like any other day, time to finalise my things in Penang and move back to my hometown for good.

Let me try to recall back some good'ol memories residing in Penang. It's been 5 years, and it seemed like time passes by in a blink of an eye. I remember the first time when I step my foot into this small, 'compact' (I always like to use this word on this island) Penang, the last thing I thought of was ever stepping back out again. Never did I realised that this world is so much bigger than I once thought.

The first thing in my mind was to go to a church. I was with Wesley Methodist Church, and there I got my first bunch of friends in Joshua House. Jared, he's the man for the youth group. And we've done lotsa crazy and fun things together. I remembered we went hiking at err...don't even remember the name of the place =P and went for lotsa outings together, that was real fun. =)

School days was boring, I should say, but that was when I entered my first singing competition in college, after the last time at the age of 9. Gee..that was exciting, and nervous. Never could I've expected I could get a 3rd place. Then, that was surprising, haha.

It was then and in Penang, that I found my passion in singing. It's not that it's not there, it's just have been hidden during the days in primary and secondary school. I was too shy and timid, and I was once a person with low self-esteem. And so, I found Daniel Chan and we teamed for our 1st singing job in Faces.

I remember people telling me that I'm not gonna go anywhere, singing like that. Oh well, I thought it was too, but I proved them all wrong. I achieved way beyond what they saw. It was through singing, that I met my 1st love. Gee, he was gorgeous to me at that time. He sings, he plays the guitar, he has the looks; great potential to be a 'someone'. Well, of course, we didn't end up living happily ever after, but he did went on to achieve his dreams of becoming a model, and I'm happy for him. And those days after breaking up were the toughest time of my life. I fell into depression for some time. Although I ate, my weight dropped drastically.

Believe it or not, it was 1 year before I fully taken him off my heart. till I met this very special person. From the 1st time I met him, I thought he was God sent. I remember how we met, and how he reacted the first time I met him in church. He went to the place where I sang, and he gave me alot of support then. I remember the first time we officially meet up after he came back from Singapore, a few days before my exams. I remember the first song we had for each other. I remember how we missed each other so much during his company trip to US. I remembered the good days when we had so much fun in Hong Kong. And I thought he's the one for me, till now..

I have myself to blame. I wanted so much to pursue my passion, at least for that small period of time, and then to move on. I remembered at the age of 14, I already dreamt to perform on stage, viewed by the nation. That time, everybody thought it's impossible. Even I had my own doubts. I strived for it, but I didn't do very well in the first competition. That was so shameful, so depressing, given the fact that it was on national TV. That was when I thought to myself, I need to redeem myself from the mistakes I did. Never did I know this was the biggest mistakes in life. I was slowly losing a very precious person for my decision.

Like I always said. it's not easy to be successful in life. There're challenges, both great and small, and sacrifices to be made. I achieved what I wanted to have; to break my personal record. And I know it's the time to move on. To be serious in life, and look to my priority; to get real with God and have a good family in the future. But it was too late. I've lost the battle.

So long for all the good times. I should learn to forget them. Time to have a new life now. Be strong girl, be strong. God taught you a good lesson. You can't blame Him for this. He knows what is best for you.

Goodbye Penang, goodbye memories, goodbye good times...

Day N without Dan in Penang

God knows how long it has been..it's been saddening, frustrating, dissapointing days that I didn't even bother to take notice of.

It's all the end. It's the end. I failed. I failed O'God. But I still love You. I learn how to love You more, and more. This is a great lesson. Thank You for being wiv me, teaching me each and everyday, where I seemed to have ignored.

It's the best lesson that I ever had. I learn how to be stronger in life. I learn I have to put You first. You're the first and I must not sabotage that. Father in heaven, strengthen me once again, as I surrender all to You. Tell me what will be good for me, and I will follow. Please don't let me take things into my own hands again. Show me the path that you want me to take. O' Lord, I pray for Your presence to be with me. There's nothing for me to hold on to anymore.

Please heal my wounds Lord, stitch it back one by one. May I be fully restored once again to serve You Lord.

Thank You Lord once again. All things work together for the good for those who Love God.