This few days, my days have been gloomy. In fact it's dark, and it shows every signs of rain. I realised the hard truth about our relationship. The saddest thing is, it's been happening for so long, but I didn't learn to realise it.
Now he tells me that his feelings are different already..am I too late to make a change? Or is it he just didn't see me already realising it and starting to make a change, that's why he couldn't guarantee me? I am starting from now on to change. I will do it. I will compliment him in every single aspect.
I realise I was so childish and stubborn; always thinking that I'm right, with my own reasons, but in actual fact, i'm not. I now painfully know that it's my bad attitude that I have to change. I will change for the better. I don't want to regret and change only when I loose the person that I treasure most in my life now.
Lord please give me a little time to change. Please be there with me. I've been broken down into pieces again. I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate what You gave me. I didn't appreciate your love. I didn't appreciate his. I wanna be more mature now, I wanna learn how to be the person You want me to be.
No bebe, you won't be robbing my happiness if things doesn't work out. I realise it's not my own happiness that I have to pursue only. I realise that it's the both of us that matters the most. I want our happiness more than my own. Only when times like this that i realise I rather loose my dreams and my goals than you, because our future is so much more important to me than those short-term goals. I rather loose everything else than you. Only when times like this that I know what is the most important to me. Please don't misunderstand. I'm not trying to salvage this relationship by saying all this. I really do know now, and I meant every single thing I said.
I miss those happy times we had together. I miss your love. I miss you Daniel..
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Day 12 without Dan in Penang
What is a relationship without equal feelings for each other?
It always takes 2 to tango. Why am I so blind that I thought all this while, his feelings for me is always the same? N hoping to make things work? Lotsa things that was revealed over this period of time. I don't believe what I feel, that's why I needed to find out. Yes, he doesn't love me like I love him.
Perhaps whatever I said, I do or express isn't as meaningful as what I've felt. No matter how good a person is, no matter how wonderful it is, there're always flaws. That's what I previously didn't think of. Which makes me thinking, should I still do much things for this relationship anymore? Is it worth it? Till the end, it'll probably not work out.
I always thought we should accept each others flaws and learn to live with it. Yes, this is only true if we really love each other. Now I understand why he just couldn't. It's sad to know, that he hasn't the same equal feelings for me, and it's sad to know that this relationship is not his real priority.
If it's only for a still bit of affection, it's no point. I have no confidence that things will change, seriously. I'm sad, hurt, feeling hopeless and dissapointed. It tells me that whatever effort that I've make will never seem to work. Finding back his feelings? This sounds so familiar when I was being cheated at the end before. Seems like there is no point for me to continue contributing to this relationship anymore. To the point where he can say it's ok if I don't put too much feelings to this relationship. I already knew.
Why will I be crying? I'm sad, and it hurts much. Anybody who've been dumping in so much feelings would feel the same too. I rather see him happier than not being together. It's time to let go. Don't wanna waste so much time. I don't want to, and I know deep down I can't.
It always takes 2 to tango. Why am I so blind that I thought all this while, his feelings for me is always the same? N hoping to make things work? Lotsa things that was revealed over this period of time. I don't believe what I feel, that's why I needed to find out. Yes, he doesn't love me like I love him.
Perhaps whatever I said, I do or express isn't as meaningful as what I've felt. No matter how good a person is, no matter how wonderful it is, there're always flaws. That's what I previously didn't think of. Which makes me thinking, should I still do much things for this relationship anymore? Is it worth it? Till the end, it'll probably not work out.
I always thought we should accept each others flaws and learn to live with it. Yes, this is only true if we really love each other. Now I understand why he just couldn't. It's sad to know, that he hasn't the same equal feelings for me, and it's sad to know that this relationship is not his real priority.
If it's only for a still bit of affection, it's no point. I have no confidence that things will change, seriously. I'm sad, hurt, feeling hopeless and dissapointed. It tells me that whatever effort that I've make will never seem to work. Finding back his feelings? This sounds so familiar when I was being cheated at the end before. Seems like there is no point for me to continue contributing to this relationship anymore. To the point where he can say it's ok if I don't put too much feelings to this relationship. I already knew.
Why will I be crying? I'm sad, and it hurts much. Anybody who've been dumping in so much feelings would feel the same too. I rather see him happier than not being together. It's time to let go. Don't wanna waste so much time. I don't want to, and I know deep down I can't.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Day 10 without Dan in Penang
After a long week, it's time for Grandma and Uncle Theen start working and get back to Rawang. They just left with Aunt Maggie and Steve back to Ipoh, and will be around to settle their matters before heading back. I'll be meeting them soon by this Wednesday :). Had a good time spending the week with them, it's good to always have visitors at home.
It's time for me to get back to KL for the last, finale performance in Stadium Titiwangsa for OIAM '08; gee..that's fast. Bye bye to competitions, and say Hello to Singapore. I'm currently planning my way down to there, n hopefully I'll get a job asap. After Sunday, I finally knew what I'm capable n potential in, and I can actually find my career path more clearly now. Thanks to Jolene n Joseph, their both great ppl, Thank God so much for them.
What they told me was real, n practical, but I've also other views from more experience people and their opinions are worth considered. Therefore, I came up with this plan; to work in SG for 1 year as trial, and move on to something else if I don't like it. It's always easier to get a job there than here. Will see where God's leading me to.
As for me n Dan, well, I learn not to take things so seriously and always prepare for the worst. No doubt with much preparation, if bad things happens it will still hurt. But with expectation, at least I've prepared myself. Well, I think everybody has to pursue and strive for their lives, not living their lives for others. I rather to be happy than anything else. I'll just let God lead the way.
I learn not to be too mindful and putting my feelings too much, coz it's actually only from my side all this while. Well, since it's like that, I don't want to put too much hope in it. Again, it takes 2 to tango.
Lord please be the light, shine us through and guide to where to move. Please turn water into wine, and let our relationships be renewed again. I surrender everything unto You. Thank you Lord, Amen.
It's time for me to get back to KL for the last, finale performance in Stadium Titiwangsa for OIAM '08; gee..that's fast. Bye bye to competitions, and say Hello to Singapore. I'm currently planning my way down to there, n hopefully I'll get a job asap. After Sunday, I finally knew what I'm capable n potential in, and I can actually find my career path more clearly now. Thanks to Jolene n Joseph, their both great ppl, Thank God so much for them.
What they told me was real, n practical, but I've also other views from more experience people and their opinions are worth considered. Therefore, I came up with this plan; to work in SG for 1 year as trial, and move on to something else if I don't like it. It's always easier to get a job there than here. Will see where God's leading me to.
As for me n Dan, well, I learn not to take things so seriously and always prepare for the worst. No doubt with much preparation, if bad things happens it will still hurt. But with expectation, at least I've prepared myself. Well, I think everybody has to pursue and strive for their lives, not living their lives for others. I rather to be happy than anything else. I'll just let God lead the way.
I learn not to be too mindful and putting my feelings too much, coz it's actually only from my side all this while. Well, since it's like that, I don't want to put too much hope in it. Again, it takes 2 to tango.
Lord please be the light, shine us through and guide to where to move. Please turn water into wine, and let our relationships be renewed again. I surrender everything unto You. Thank you Lord, Amen.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Day 7 without Dan in Penang
The dilemma goes on and on. It seems to be a never ending situation. I always asked myself, how come I can do it, but not him? Well, come to the point where I realised things can be just very unfair. No whys, no buts, it's just unfair. I cannot force happiness, if that happiness is just not there.
It comes to a point where the physical part doesn't matters, and it's just the way we choose our lives to be. The conclusion is, if only I choose to be what he wants me to be, everything would be assured. He can tell a whole bunch of things, but the message he gets through is only this; do it his way. He can't accept other than that, but he also can't confirmed that things will be good if I change and go his ways..He does not have to endure pain, if he just choose to accept. I did that, why can't he? Or am I just being selfish?
Well, since he's filled with uncertainty, let me be like him then. It was me who's being stupid; thinking that everything would be well. Since he is not passionate anymore, I do not want to do the tango on my own. But I know it's hard for me to do that- easier said than done. Sigh.
Yes, we're different. Very different. And it's just hard to be different. No wonder people choose to be ordinary. I'm not aimless. I'm not being childish. I know what I'm doing. I am adament on doing the things I do. If you can't accept, just don't, and move on. I don't want to waste my time.
I don't want to be indecisive anymore. It can really kill. I will regret. But I've made the decision. So I have to move on with it. Dear Lord, take over it. I don't want to hold it anymore. Please take the steering wheel from me...
No point missing anymore. Just take everyday as it is. Learn from him. He did it. Better hold on to it, before it gets too deep, and hurt myself even more. I shouldn't take things too seriously. He doesn't have to release himself to me if he feels unsure. He doesn't need to and so be it.
It comes to a point where the physical part doesn't matters, and it's just the way we choose our lives to be. The conclusion is, if only I choose to be what he wants me to be, everything would be assured. He can tell a whole bunch of things, but the message he gets through is only this; do it his way. He can't accept other than that, but he also can't confirmed that things will be good if I change and go his ways..He does not have to endure pain, if he just choose to accept. I did that, why can't he? Or am I just being selfish?
Well, since he's filled with uncertainty, let me be like him then. It was me who's being stupid; thinking that everything would be well. Since he is not passionate anymore, I do not want to do the tango on my own. But I know it's hard for me to do that- easier said than done. Sigh.
Yes, we're different. Very different. And it's just hard to be different. No wonder people choose to be ordinary. I'm not aimless. I'm not being childish. I know what I'm doing. I am adament on doing the things I do. If you can't accept, just don't, and move on. I don't want to waste my time.
I don't want to be indecisive anymore. It can really kill. I will regret. But I've made the decision. So I have to move on with it. Dear Lord, take over it. I don't want to hold it anymore. Please take the steering wheel from me...
No point missing anymore. Just take everyday as it is. Learn from him. He did it. Better hold on to it, before it gets too deep, and hurt myself even more. I shouldn't take things too seriously. He doesn't have to release himself to me if he feels unsure. He doesn't need to and so be it.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Day 6 without Dan in Penang
The day before was Valentine's Day, and it was like any other day for me. Oh well, of course there's like something missing, but then I have to learn how to adapt to it..
Had a conversation with Dan, and I understand that his concerns towards the future and all. I don't know whether it's his future or ours, but then he once told me that he couldn't see any future in the both of us already. Because of our choice in life, because of characters in life. For some reasons, I know he's still having the same feelings and thinking.
I appreciate the fact that he commits to us and our relationship. But I know I cannot be selfish. I told him that my choice of career path will depend on the pros and cons that I have to face, and if becoming an air stewardess could have a promising future, and it is worth taking up as to not jeopardising our relationship and our future, then I'll take it up. If not, if the consequences are not reasonable, I know I have to make a decision to sacrifice my dreams for it.
I wonder why there are so many decisions to make in life. This decisions are not minor ones, but those that would affect my life. It's true God gives us a lot of decision, but most importantly we've to listen to God, and follow what God has installed for us. I'm listening, and waiting. I do not want to make the same mistake again. Because by doing this, God's presence's not there and I would not fulfill His purpose.
Open my eyes and ears to listen to you O'Lord, that I may walk with You. I don't want to make my own decisions, but rather follow what You want me to do. May Your purpose be fulfilled in me.
Another day of job searching, and the next step is to seek counsel from the pros, so that I will take the right path in SG. Sometimes indecisiveness can kill; a dangerous character to have.
Don't mean to make you unhappy Bebe... =(
Had a conversation with Dan, and I understand that his concerns towards the future and all. I don't know whether it's his future or ours, but then he once told me that he couldn't see any future in the both of us already. Because of our choice in life, because of characters in life. For some reasons, I know he's still having the same feelings and thinking.
I appreciate the fact that he commits to us and our relationship. But I know I cannot be selfish. I told him that my choice of career path will depend on the pros and cons that I have to face, and if becoming an air stewardess could have a promising future, and it is worth taking up as to not jeopardising our relationship and our future, then I'll take it up. If not, if the consequences are not reasonable, I know I have to make a decision to sacrifice my dreams for it.
I wonder why there are so many decisions to make in life. This decisions are not minor ones, but those that would affect my life. It's true God gives us a lot of decision, but most importantly we've to listen to God, and follow what God has installed for us. I'm listening, and waiting. I do not want to make the same mistake again. Because by doing this, God's presence's not there and I would not fulfill His purpose.
Open my eyes and ears to listen to you O'Lord, that I may walk with You. I don't want to make my own decisions, but rather follow what You want me to do. May Your purpose be fulfilled in me.
Another day of job searching, and the next step is to seek counsel from the pros, so that I will take the right path in SG. Sometimes indecisiveness can kill; a dangerous character to have.
Don't mean to make you unhappy Bebe... =(
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Day 4 without Dan in Penang
Dan went online later than before yesterday nite. I was anxious and worried so I asked. He told me that he went out with a friend for dinner and came back a little late. Dinner, alone with her? =S
I thought he told me not to do things like that, but he did it himself, which I really am not satisfied with his behaviour. Besides, knowing the history of her, I don't really like the feeling of this person becoming his good friend. He also told me not to be close with his ex-girlfriend's friends, but what is he doing right now?
I don't know. Many things started to changed. He made me felt all this while that I'm not to be worth expressing his feelings for, and I have to take the initiative everytime. I am struggling very hard not to think so much, but he is far away and things are not in my control. Oh God, how helpless do I feel right now. =(
I woke up this morning having very bad dreams about him. This is not the first time, because I had it so many times before. It seemed that it didn't matter to him any single bit, and blamed me for kicking a big fuss out of it. For the second time of my life, I'm having the same bad feeling about relationships. I told myself not to make the same mistakes by putting too much feelings into a relationship, but it seemed I failed. I have to be stronger.
This should work 2 ways; he has something that I admire in and vice-versa. But it seems things are only working in one way. It seems that he's not too cared about me, probably because I have made him to be this way. What, it's my fault again?
Things start to cloud my mind. And I hope I'm just thinking too much. I feel so helpless, and I know I must hang on and be faithful to God. For all things work together for the good.
I thought he told me not to do things like that, but he did it himself, which I really am not satisfied with his behaviour. Besides, knowing the history of her, I don't really like the feeling of this person becoming his good friend. He also told me not to be close with his ex-girlfriend's friends, but what is he doing right now?
I don't know. Many things started to changed. He made me felt all this while that I'm not to be worth expressing his feelings for, and I have to take the initiative everytime. I am struggling very hard not to think so much, but he is far away and things are not in my control. Oh God, how helpless do I feel right now. =(
I woke up this morning having very bad dreams about him. This is not the first time, because I had it so many times before. It seemed that it didn't matter to him any single bit, and blamed me for kicking a big fuss out of it. For the second time of my life, I'm having the same bad feeling about relationships. I told myself not to make the same mistakes by putting too much feelings into a relationship, but it seemed I failed. I have to be stronger.
This should work 2 ways; he has something that I admire in and vice-versa. But it seems things are only working in one way. It seems that he's not too cared about me, probably because I have made him to be this way. What, it's my fault again?
Things start to cloud my mind. And I hope I'm just thinking too much. I feel so helpless, and I know I must hang on and be faithful to God. For all things work together for the good.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Day 3 without Dan in Penang
Sek bao bao! Grandma's in Penang and she cooks almost every meal for us. Hou hou sik ah! She'll be cooking Kai Si Hor Fun tomorrow, i'm gonna be learning from her..(hope to cook for Dan bebe one day :)) hehehe
I had a very bad day yesterday, coz the groaning stomach pain was the worst that I could barely stand or walk. The pain wasn't any better even until I lied in bed. There I was, groaning like crazy on bed till I was too tired; prayed and proclaim in Jesus name that I will be healed and fell asleep.
This morning when I woke up, to my surprise, the stomach pain's gone! Praise the Lord, He is so faithful~ I never thought it could be any better considering that my condition seemed to have gone from bad to worst...God is good :D
It's another day of recuperation, and I was staying at home for the whole day, reseraching on jobs and any other potential careers in Singapore. Well, if you ask me, I've always wanted to be in SIA. But it seems things wouldn't be the way I wanted, and I have to change my course. Sigh...I've to seek God ultimately on this.
I pray that God will guide me, and show me the best path to move on. Ultimately, God's in control. This should be the biggest ever dilemma so far that's ever happened to me over the years of my life.
Waiting for Dan to come online. He'd usually be online by now. Wonder what's taking him so long..... :(
I had a very bad day yesterday, coz the groaning stomach pain was the worst that I could barely stand or walk. The pain wasn't any better even until I lied in bed. There I was, groaning like crazy on bed till I was too tired; prayed and proclaim in Jesus name that I will be healed and fell asleep.
This morning when I woke up, to my surprise, the stomach pain's gone! Praise the Lord, He is so faithful~ I never thought it could be any better considering that my condition seemed to have gone from bad to worst...God is good :D
It's another day of recuperation, and I was staying at home for the whole day, reseraching on jobs and any other potential careers in Singapore. Well, if you ask me, I've always wanted to be in SIA. But it seems things wouldn't be the way I wanted, and I have to change my course. Sigh...I've to seek God ultimately on this.
I pray that God will guide me, and show me the best path to move on. Ultimately, God's in control. This should be the biggest ever dilemma so far that's ever happened to me over the years of my life.
Waiting for Dan to come online. He'd usually be online by now. Wonder what's taking him so long..... :(
Monday, February 11, 2008
Day 2 Without Dan in Penang
The pain in my stomach since first day of CNY had gone from bad to worst. The aggrevating pain woke me up from bed like the day before. And I thought everrything will be fine today since I had a jab from the hospital the nite before.
Oh, how I wish Dan is here to accompany me. And I couldn't control my tears again. It happens everytime when I am alone, on bed. Only I know that I can miss him so much. I wonder if he felt the same when I was away in KL the last 2 months.
The receptionist at Loh Guan Lye specialist centre took what it seemed like forever to me to get me registered. Of course I was in excruciating pain, and I could barely stand, what more walking. Aunt Maggie was with me, and they put me on a wheelchair to the emergency room. It doesn't sound like one, coz the doctor actually took 1 1/2 hours before he attended to me. There I was, lying on the bed, groaning in pain. And the thoughts of me and Dan came by again.
Guess I have to learn how to be independent again for the time being. I just have to plan on my way to SG. In the mean time, hope the pain doesn't come back again.
Missing you Daniel.
Oh, how I wish Dan is here to accompany me. And I couldn't control my tears again. It happens everytime when I am alone, on bed. Only I know that I can miss him so much. I wonder if he felt the same when I was away in KL the last 2 months.
The receptionist at Loh Guan Lye specialist centre took what it seemed like forever to me to get me registered. Of course I was in excruciating pain, and I could barely stand, what more walking. Aunt Maggie was with me, and they put me on a wheelchair to the emergency room. It doesn't sound like one, coz the doctor actually took 1 1/2 hours before he attended to me. There I was, lying on the bed, groaning in pain. And the thoughts of me and Dan came by again.
Guess I have to learn how to be independent again for the time being. I just have to plan on my way to SG. In the mean time, hope the pain doesn't come back again.
Missing you Daniel.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Day 1 without Dan in Penang
Dan's gone to Singapore today..for good.
He left this noon at 2.10pm; I sent him off at the airport. For some reasons, we had a lil' argument, and for all times, it has to be at the last minutes before he left. It wasn't my intention to kick a big fuss out of little things- I just wanted to remind him that i'm still here, and I'll stand with him till the very last minute.
I wanted him to make me happy, but he couldn't do it because he wasn't happy with the way I behaved. Well, yeah, girls at most times are unreasonable, and guys should be the one that is more generous. Then again, as i thought back, probably it's because he's being real, honest and I know it's certainly a good side of him which I can really appreciate.
The clock ticks 1.10pm, and he's about to enter the gates. We're still on the same subject, both having our own stands until we almost reach the entrance, when I can't help but tears just keep rolling down my cheeks. Whatever that happened, I am still gonna miss him a lot. I wish we were not at the gates. I wish we never had to be there, and tomorrow I'll get to see him again at his home.
He was calm, but i couldn't control myself. I never had this feelings before, and there were a thousand and one thoughts in my mind. I heard him, and I heard the both of us. I am going to be a better person for God, and for us. If I look up to God, all things will fall into place. Dan's advice, his messages to me all came at once. It may sound tough before, but it is not now. Because it's worth everything.
I miss him, I really really am. Only those who experienced it before understands. I don't know when will I be able to see him, and pray to God every day to bless him, take care of him, and guard his heart, that he may not sway away from God. I know if both of us keep close to Him, all things will work together for the good in His plans.
It's not that I've not been alone before. It's different, because this time the image of this person will linger in my mind each and every time, day and nite. Unlike before, I've someone to miss, dearly now.
I love you Daniel.
He left this noon at 2.10pm; I sent him off at the airport. For some reasons, we had a lil' argument, and for all times, it has to be at the last minutes before he left. It wasn't my intention to kick a big fuss out of little things- I just wanted to remind him that i'm still here, and I'll stand with him till the very last minute.
I wanted him to make me happy, but he couldn't do it because he wasn't happy with the way I behaved. Well, yeah, girls at most times are unreasonable, and guys should be the one that is more generous. Then again, as i thought back, probably it's because he's being real, honest and I know it's certainly a good side of him which I can really appreciate.
The clock ticks 1.10pm, and he's about to enter the gates. We're still on the same subject, both having our own stands until we almost reach the entrance, when I can't help but tears just keep rolling down my cheeks. Whatever that happened, I am still gonna miss him a lot. I wish we were not at the gates. I wish we never had to be there, and tomorrow I'll get to see him again at his home.
He was calm, but i couldn't control myself. I never had this feelings before, and there were a thousand and one thoughts in my mind. I heard him, and I heard the both of us. I am going to be a better person for God, and for us. If I look up to God, all things will fall into place. Dan's advice, his messages to me all came at once. It may sound tough before, but it is not now. Because it's worth everything.
I miss him, I really really am. Only those who experienced it before understands. I don't know when will I be able to see him, and pray to God every day to bless him, take care of him, and guard his heart, that he may not sway away from God. I know if both of us keep close to Him, all things will work together for the good in His plans.
It's not that I've not been alone before. It's different, because this time the image of this person will linger in my mind each and every time, day and nite. Unlike before, I've someone to miss, dearly now.
I love you Daniel.
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