Turning The Page to A New Chapter of Life

Sometimes I look back n wonder how blinded I was n how much sh*t I've gone thru to finally understand, realise n wake up..hah, that's something to laugh at.

Thinking back, it ain't too bad afterall..at least I had a chance to grow up n be more mature from being a girl to a lady. Like the saying goes, "what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger".

Enough of those lies I made myself to believe in. It's time to leave them all in the past n move on. They told me a person has to experience the worst to be healed from it. I finally agreed on that after much unecessary struggle. It's part n parcel of life. God wouldn't give you a challenge that you couldn't overcome. It's just a matter of time. Afterall, God should be the first in our lives. "Seek ye First the Kingdom of God, and all things shall be Added unto you". Yup, am slowly but surely learning on that. Afterall, He's the one who first Loved us.

Turn the page, but don't close the book. It would only mean that you've given up hope in life.

The only thing that I totally believe all the time, is a God that loves me more than anyone else in this world, a God that loves me so much to count the number of strands of hair on my head, n He only wants the best for me.

God is Good =)

The Truth Hurts, but does that Means that You're Not Gonna Face It?

The truth is always there. It is always right at your face, but you just chose to brush aside, unwilling to face the fact. You just choose to lie to yourself, still clinging on to that slightest hope, the faintest light which you can barely see.

It's all gonna be good. Things will be recovered like it was before. But then when things didn't go my way, I get very depressed and dissapointed. At the end, I realised, that it was just me wanting n forcing things to be the way I wanted. I was being very self-centred.

Now that I realised the truth, it is quite pointless for me to keep holding on to that self induced hope. The truth hurts. That's all I can feel for now. But does that mean that I don't have to face it? Best is it cuts through me deeper than ever before. Best that it hurts so much until it will one day makes me feel that it's not worth to be drowned in that stupidity. It's not like it could change anything, but to only kill me inside out.

And the only person who feels the pain? Me.

The truth is, it's not happening anymore. It's not gonna happen again. Just stop being engulfed by the self induced fake hope anymore.

Afterall, everyone is just being human. Not that a person is not as good as the other. We're all just different from each other, beyond comparison. It is just each and everyone's preference to what or who in their strife for happiness..

I hope I can get out of this soon. I hope one day I would wake up n tell myself that it is all meaningless and remind myself of my stupidity and never to let it repeat it again.

I hope I could one day look back, and smile on the past telling myself this; Lesson learned, and I've moved on, being a happier person than ever before, and thank God for His unfailing Love.

Imperfection

Have we ever wondered?

We often put the blame on someone, somebody or something when bad things happen to our lives. We give ourselves excuses when things doesn't go our way. We try to make the world sound imperfect n the people that's involved to be.

"It all happens and it's all their fault. What wrong have I done? What did I do to deserve all of this?"

Sounds familiar? Yeah, it happens to me too. Many times. Uncountable times. But have we ever sat back and pondered about the mistakes n the imperfection in ourselves that allows all of this to happen?

Man I feel so small when I was told off about my weaknesses. All this while I thought whatever I did was right, coz no one would tell me. Of coz, they were afraid of offending me. Likewise, I wouldn't wanna risk ruining a friendship by telling off somethings I thought they would not wish to hear. But sometimes, some good soul around would just reveal them to you, and it's like a good smack on your face that serves as a WAKE UP CALL.

It tells you that you have a part to play in the mess that occured. It's not all just got to do with the other party. Yes, they may be screwed up, but you're not perfect either. Giving yourself excuses shows that you're avoiding the fact and a perfect chance to grow n improve from it.

Of course, no one can be scarless. But at least, try to change from those bad habits or attitudes that could improve your self-being n your relationship towards the people around you. Don't be in denial. Sometimes, when people around you started to react very differently towards you, try to sit back, think n make a change for the best of yourself n the others.

God didn't make us perfect, so that we could complement each other; whether in a family, with your other half or the friends around you. Sit back, think n ask God for forgiveness. Ask Him to change you as you surrender your soul to Him. He will never let us down.

God's love never fails.

I Remember

I remember the 1st day where you brought me to Sigi's..You knew my favourite song, n you have it on in your car when you arrived at my place; "Home". You gave me a bouquet of flowers n you brought us to dinner. It was the sweetest day of my life.

I thanked the Lord so much for taking away the broken past and let the best thing that could've ever happened to me. It was the best time of my life. I graduated not too long ago before this happened. 2 weeks later, you encouraged me to go and try out on a job interview in Dell. It all went well, and I worked there for a year. Honestly, I wasn't happy about the job because it paid peanuts. 9-5 is definitely not my thing.

But over the year, I knew you were very pleased of what I was doing; leading a normal life, doing the normal thing everyone does. Our time didn't clash; just in time to meet each other for dinner n spend some time together. But then, you knew I was performing all these while. You asked me to cut down on the nights, so we can have more time for each other.
It was hard for me, coz I was partially depending on it for a living. Yet I tried my best to make days available for us by reducing down on the days. I knew it was a sacrifice I had to make. I neglected my responsibility and was stuck in between. I dislike my job, and I'm not doing very well with the other.

Honestly, I was still very confused. As a young lady that just came out from school, I didn't know what to pursue. But I was sure I was filled with my passion, and that was the time to do it. You didn't like it. I struggled between life and passion. We had arguments, after arguments, after arguments.

Finally, you decided to shut yourself away from all the trouble and noise. You weren't happy. Oh, how hard I tried to mend those back, but it wasn't enough. There were sleepness nights and countless days of worries. You start not to take me into consideration on your decision making anymore. To you, I will not be one of your priority anymore. You didn't give us more time to reconcile. You couldn't wait anymore. Your heart just grew cold over the days to come.

I shouldn't have left you alone during your lowest times. You just got used to living without me. When I came back, it was different for you already. How my heart ached for the things that were happening. I tried every best way to mend it, but you told me it was too late. My tears would roll down everytime I thought of it. You just made a decision to work in a foreign place.

I vowed in front of you, never to go back to my passion, and take up an ordinary job for our sake. It is still not what you wanted. Your heart was broken, and it's not worth turning back anymore. You do not feel for me anymore. Not like the time when we used to cry and laugh together.
I couldn't blame you for any more or less. We both had a part to play, and I neglected mine. I always missed those times. I missed that person whom God's given to me but I didn't do my best to treasure him.

Dear Lord, strengthen my personal being, for I know you have plans for me. My heart aches everytime I think about it. My soul weakens everytime I knew that he's no more less than a friend that doesn't even bother of my existence anymore. How I wish You would mend it all back together, and give me a new beginning. Forgive me for my ignorance and stubborness. I am now just gonna be waiting upon You and follow You altogether. I've lost a person who had once made my life complete. I don't want that to happen again.

Where is the Hope?

Is it true that even though the door is closed, God will still leave you a window opened for you?

Man will always have their lowest n highhest points throughout their life's journey. There is always a season for the positive and negative to occur in one's life, and sometimes it involves the people around you for the things that you've done and not bearing the responsibilty towards your own actions.
Avoiding is definitely not the way to solve the problem, but somehow or rather, people just always perceives this way to be the easiest. Thank you Satan for blinding us, n our sinful nature is to be blamed too.

One after another, hopes began to shatter. It's as if God's not here with me anymore, and suddenly i have to face this world alone. The more i want to be with Him, the more things are happening that hinders me towards getting closer to Him. It's not that I don't want to now, but there is something that I have to face in order to have a breakthrough.

Guess I'm not that strong afterall. I'm down with depression once again, and I need a way out. My job isn't everything. My life in Sg isn't everything. My activities aren't everything. My past isn't everything. Even if I were to have a relationship is also not everything. There's just something that's missing deep inside. There's still a missing piece somewhere. I began to have this fear and hopelessness. People out there seem to be independable to fully put my trust and faith into them. Is the world so realistic that man are such selfish human beings to only care not for anyone but themselves and those that belong to them? N they could actualy come to the point to use other people for their own benefits?

When will I get it right with God? Everytime when I want n starting to do the right thing, it seems things will screw up and once again made me shameful n guilty enough to make me avoid from God. It made me feel like a loser, and a failure. That I failed so badly i don't even dare to face my dear Father in Heaven.

Where's my courage and honesty?? I'm lost........ :(

-Craig David Greatest Hits Tour- Live in Zirca-

My first ever encounter with a celebrity that I'd admire n appreciate most ever since his first album, Craig David!

Craig's n the move-----Hot Stuff n All The Way, smokiing Hot!

a lil' glimpe of Fill Me In..

n Walking Away...enjoy peeps ;)

The Fun I Had! -OIAM3 n Barsonic

It was plain, pure fun back in KL =)

I was there to give a surprise to Simon and pounced on him backstage (kiddin, =P). OK, I was there to support him for at least once when i had the chance to go back there, at the same time meeting up with Aubrey, Marion, Renee, Hendra n all those awesome people!

Man I really miss those days where I get to work with all these celebas, musicians n backstage people who make the whole show worked! Great show guys! Aubrey, I really hope to sing your song one day! =D

ooo...Simon's looking great on stage ;) u can do it MAN!

The ever gorgeous-looking Awal n Marion hosting OIAM3 =)

n of course with me n Renee n Marion after the show..gee Marion, i like your limited edition LV bag, LOL

You always wanted me to perform ' When You're Gone', now it's your turn! Muahahaha

All the best MAN! You're always the Man la, hahaha

Oh well, the nite didn't end here...we had some fun with the ex-8tv-ers after that ;)

Apa hal dengan Renee ni? She's freakin' syok i bet, LOL

n Adam C was around too ey..cool~

Hendra was the one that helped me get to OIAM3, thank u! ^^

n after which we had to really pull 2 jokers back home safely =P...but it was still fun! =)

~A Song for a Special Little One~

The clock ticked 6.24pm on a Standby day. I was yet to be called up for flight, and so I decided to do something to overcome the boredom. I tried filling in bits of words here and there for a song I wrote for a special little girl of a special couple that made a difference in my life.

"Hey, baby Adara is 3 months old now, you must write a song for her, ok?" Victor suddenly popped that question out of nowhere. It caught me by surprise, because it never came to my mind before. Well, why not? =)

I just want them to know that they meant alot to me and have been the most special ones in my life in Singapore. I thank God for blessing me with precious people like you in my life.

This is a song specially for the both of you, and baby Adara, the first jewel in your lives.

To Victor n Shu Xian- This is a song called God's Gift to Me.

Oh, and did I mentioned, I was called up for the longest turnaround...phew...

心太乱 pt2。。。

And so we met.

My heart was thumping all the while on my way to where we're suppose to meet; at the MRT station. I knew he could be there somewhere. I was more than excited to see him again after such a long time. I'd prepared myself for this already, or so I thought.

I wanted to look my best. I'd never wanted to be shabby in front of him, more so after we've broken up. It was suppose to be a time of catching up, and so we decided on a restaurant nearby.

I picked a table near the wall at a dimmer corner of the restaurant. Reason was because I really do not want anyone or anything interrupting our limited time of being together. To me, every minute and every second was precious and not to be wasted, even if we ended up in some time of silence in between conversations.

We started updating each other about our personal events, but the conversation slowly narrowed down to sensitive topics about relationships n post relationships connecting to the people around ourselves again. We had that in most of our phone conversations a few months ago. But this time, I handled it more calmly, way better than before. I would've dashed across the table with my harsh words making things worse and we would've called off the date earlier. I wouldn't want that to happen again. I wouldn't want those precious time to flow down the drain altogether.

At one point of time, my imperfect self felt more complete being with him. It felt like the missing piece was just right in front of me, and yet it doesn't belong to me. Unlike any other jigsaw puzzle, this is the only one where its pieces I couldn't control. I couldn't help but having thoughts like this coming into my mind. Who wouldn't?

I've nowhere to go. In the past, I tried to avoid reality. I pushed it all to the back of my head, lying to myself that it's all going to be fine soon. Not this time. I can't do that anymore. I've let myself dawn into the solemness that has been avoided, not realising that it is still sitting somewhere in my heart. I must face reality. And after all of that sadness, I must stand back up again. I need to be strong.

I still can't forget the past....when will I ever will...........

心太乱。。

He told me the other day we could meet up. I was indeed happy. We have not met for such a long time. We chat online, for only once in a while. But I figured he'd already put it at the back of his head.

"Are we still friends?" He asked me the other day. I can only answer a "yes". It seemed I was left with no other answers to come up with. I looked forward to meet him up before I leave for work for 5 days. But it seemed the meet up was nothing important to him and he will only make it to his convenience.

Again, I thought I was ok. But obviously, I'm not. The painful 5 days went by. I dreamt about us again. A year had gone by to be exact, but it is just as if it happened yesterday. I started to make assumptions. I do not know how to react if one day I find him with someone else. I thought I could take it easily. I was wrong.

I really want to know. It does me no help, it might kill me inside out, and there's nothing I could do, but I just want to know..

Because I Love You- Drop n Harmony

This is a beautiful song I came across when I was 'hunting' for songs online;

There was a time when I used to run away.
Anytime I started to fallCause love's never been verykind to me,
no babyNot very kind at all
Until you
You stole my heart away
Somehow you helped restore my faith
And something I thought wasn't for me
Now comes so easily

Because I love you
You're the flame that sets my soul on fire
That special girl I pray for every night
That pretty melody
That plays over and over again in my head
Because I love you(Forever stare at you and never get tired)
Honey I'm ready to spend mywhole life with you
Cause I love you(Yes I do)

I never thought in a million years
That I could feel the way that I feel, no
How I get butterflies (get butterflies)
Whenever your lips touch mineI must confess my dear
That it was instantly right from the start
A special bond between you and my heart
How it skips a beat whenever our eyes meet
And simply said the reason being

Because I love you
You're the flame that sets my soul on fire
That special girl I pray for every night
That pretty melody
That plays over and over again in my head
Cause I love you(Forever stare at you and never get tired)
Honey I'm ready to spend mywhole life with you(I'll say it again)
I love you (yes I do)

Girl I know there'll bedifferences we have along the way
Where our views may not always be the same
But I swear I'll try
To hear out your sigh
And compromise cuz I realize
That with you I wanna spend my life

Because I love you
You're the flame that sets my soul on fire
That special girl I pray for every night
That pretty melody
That plays over and over again in my head
Because I love you(Forever stare at you and never get tired)
Honey I'm ready to spend my whole life with you

Girl it's all because
I love you

I Like to Thank Ya'll

It's 2009, and I've got a whole bunch of people to thank for '08!

I like to thank.....

My Lord n Saviour Jesus Christ for loving me so much everytime and everywhere. He saw me through my ups n downs and never left me but showering me with blessings throughout. Thank you, my Dearest Father in Heaven =) .

Mom n Dad for supporting me through all my decisions and choices in life. Thank you for being always there for me no matter what happens. I'll try my best to give you a good life in time to come. ~With much Love~

My bros- Terry, Bronson. Thank you for always being there for me in KL, when I needed someone to pick me up from the airport, the bus station n during my audition days when u guys had to pick me up n keep me company no matter how inconvenient it was. Thank you for your support throughout the whole OIAM competition.

My youngest bro- Charleston for still remembering to talk to me when I come home, haha. You oughta do better in your studies man. It's not a time to fool around!

Grandma and Shann Yee, for always caring for me and providing me with everything useful that you could think of. You guys are the loveliest people after my parents! Grandma, I promise I'll go travelling with you this year! Shann Yee, I got what you wanted ;)

Mag Yee for letting me stay with you for 4 loonng years in Penang. I know I didn't live up to your expectations, but I tried my best. Thank you for providing me with my daily needs. At least I had a home.

My best friends, Camilia and Liang in Penang. I had the best time in Penang with you guys. To Camilia- we shared the same passion, have the same thinking, love the same food, ever forgiving to each other, treat your home like mine and mine like yours (haha). Liang for always listening, consoling and keep me company throughout my lowest n toughest times. Simon for being my best partner in crime, for all the songs we've done n the passion we had together. You're the MAN!

To Aunty Lucy and Sand, for bringing me into the Sand family and be as one for God, and to share our music to people. I can never forget the trips n experiences we had together. Eddie n Jasmine for being the best boss and gave me so many chances to showcase my talent n perform for them. I can't deny that I've improved so much in singing from all of you.

To all the friends that came n go. You left me with appreciation towards all your good deeds and the thought for me.

To all the bittersweet memories of '08. Goodbye to ya'll. It's time for a new year and a new beginning. God be my witness~

May God Bless you all in the years to come. Love you guys heaps!

And Dr. Lee said...

The "Klebsiella" bacteria family's been making themselves at home in my right nostril for at least a year!

They've been making themselves at home with lots and lots of babies there already. Thank God I met Dr. Lee, and he said it's time for them to move. I can't believe I generously let them accompany me for such a long time. Goodbye guys, I won't miss you at all! Don't come back!

Doc gave me a month's prescription of antibiotics and cold/allergy tablets and what not..I now have to carry lotsa tablets wherever I go- I feel so sick now...

Where's mom n dad...I miss home, my relatives, my friends and my life back home... =(

Looking back through 2008

It's now the 3rd day of year 2009.

Much has been done. Much has been experienced. The good and the bads happened all in the 365 days of 2008.

OIAM 2 ended in February. That marked the end of my involvement in one of the country's most acclaimed talent competition and the local music industry, and the beginning of a whole new life in a whole new place- Singapore.
February also marked the end of a complicated but a "highly-invested-in-feelings" relationship, and a beginning of singlehood once again. Freedom? haha.

April was the month I decided to have a turning point in my life. Since there's nothing I could change, I decided to change the way I lead my life- I joined the SQ.

June was the month when I officially took the first step into Singapore and when my training had started. Not an easy life to lead for the couple of initial months, but it was very obvious to me, that God's presence was strongly with me.

September was the month I graduated from training school and welcome to the real world. The training grounds was a pacifier. I had to face the harshness of work all by myself. My 1st solo was a disaster. My subsequent flights were an eye opener.

I was finally seeing the world with my own eyes, and feeling it with my own hands- from Asia to America and to Europe. God promised me He never left me. He surely had not at all. His countless blessings has been with me throughout the year. His provisions were and are still numberless.

December was the month I celebrated the most meaningful birthday. The 2 of my closest friends make it all the way from Penang to keep me company. Thank you Camilia and Liang. You guys are the best friends I've ever had. I thank God for you.

And towards the new year? This is how I celebrated in Zurich, Switzerland;

It's either the Swiss Alps or I was dreaming....

Flumxerberg ski resort.


Ooh ooh..how dya like my skis?


My first encounter with Uncle Snow. Feels like Ice Kacang, yummy~

"Hey wait for me, let me just pull off this snow-post '08 for the last time k?"



The reps of Batch 980 at Flumxerberg~ Met my batch boy Ed in Zurich, can't believe it!

Ski-bashing!


In the open snowy land.


The skiing gang in Zurich on the last day of '08. You guys were awesome! Meaningful companionship. ~HuGs~


Darn it was cold, especially in front of that icy thing!


In the snow garden- an undescribable chilling experience!

Thank You Lord for all the blessings. May Your name be glorified in my life. Amen.