I thought the problem in my nostrils was getting better. There’s still phlegm though with pain on the right cheek. I hope I’ll be ok before it gets worst and I have to look for the doctor.
My weekend started off with a good news. I’ve received an update where we’ve always expected and finally it’s really happening! SAND’s music is going to be making its way to Taiwan! Aunty Lucy always shared with us about our gospel music going international, and this time it’s really happening =D. God is very real and He will fulfill what He has promised when we love, obey and follow Him, and we shall not have doubts in His ways. Praise the Lord! ;)
Ok, of course I’m excited that SAND music is going international, but I’m even happier that God’s music gets to go beyond the 4 walls of the church to touch and change peoples lives. I feel so much being in God’s plan as He slowly reveals His purpose in me.
Dan went fishing over the weekend. I’m glad he’s able to free his mind and enjoy doing what he likes to do most Well, as for me, many thoughts were in my mind; usually things like that happen when our minds are out of the ‘work’ mode. Well, things are always not easy to get over with on my side. It came to a point where I can be so difficult and not willing to accept the hard facts. I was just being stubborn and listening to myself and believe in only what I feel within. It came to a point where I thought he would miss me like I do, he would want to make things work again like I do- kind of like falsely hoping for things to come true. I would miss him so much, and the every next morning I will always feel the worst.
Well, like I said, God is good. As I seek Him and rest in His arms, He slowly reveal things for me to see, and I slowly began to understand bit by bit, what is actually happening on his side, and what happened to us. I was blind to see so many things that happened over the past, and now I just have to learn the hard way to let go. Foolish me. I am very immature in handling love and relationship. Lesson learned now.
Dan called me a while ago when he just got back from the trip. At first, it seems to me that things were going well when I received his call, but then it wasn’t as good as I thought it is. Well, I kinda expected that he will say things and reacted like that to me, I just didn’t know it’ll hurt that much. I’m just not prepared and not willing to accept the fact, thinking there was still hope somewhere, somehow. Being expressive or possibly immature, I wasn’t able to handle the situation properly. I started being emotional. I wasn’t strong enough to pretend and show that things are good on my side. Well, he did the right thing by being cruel and harsh on decisions, coz I’m not strong enough to do it.
At least it killed every bit of false hope I have for myself. To some point, I was very angry at him being like that. His words were once again like knives stabbing through the open wounds as if he never realized they were there. I start to regret on the things that was sacrificed, coz they did not return me the most precious thing in my life. I can still not believe that a person whom once loved me so much can change so drastically over time. I was too blind and naïve to think that the relationship was from God and we’re suppose to share a future together, not separated like this. I was so naïve that I was going to make again another decision to sacrifice, trying to make things work. How silly I was. Well, I just gotta accept that he is not part of my life anymore, that I can’t care and interfere in his personal life anymore.
Many more sleepless nights, many more tears, and this will end. I still mind about what happened over the past relationship. It’s still awkward for me to see him being with someone else and without a doubt, it will be the same or worse for this one as well. I wonder how long it will take this time. Every now and then, memories keep popping up and everytime it’s like nails puncturing into my heart. How I wish I have amnesia and we’ve never known each other before. I wish I’ve never met him before. I wish I’ve never been to the church where we first met. I wish he did not come to the place where I sang.
It’s time to let everything go. Well, since this love is not appreciated, I think somebody else deserves it more. He has hurt me enough. Chill girl, you can pull it through. You’ve been determined enough and you did everything you can to save it. Since it didn’t work out, you don’t have to turn back. Just look and head forward. You deserve better. Time to turn to the next chapter of life.
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