Day 6 without Dan

1st day, really settling down in Ipoh after 5 years…

I went with dad to the office to help out today. It seems there’s nothing much to do, being my 1st day at work. Dad hasn’t the time to coach me on stuffs, and so I just gotta get use to the environment here. It seems there’s much help needed at the production side, but it would nullify my purpose for being here. Furthermore, I could only be helping out if I were big/bulk enough. I’m supposed to be assisting at the admins. Dad told me he’s got some accounts for me to work on later. At least there’s something. Dad’s been telling me about lotsa stuff about his business since I’m back. Well, at least I’m trying give him some help now.

Dan didn’t call me today… and this time I didn’t take the initiative to call him either, unlike last time. Things seems so different now and to be honest, I have not got used to it. It seems something’s left out, like something’s just missing. We’ve been communicating with each other almost everyday, at least to say a ‘hello’ or a ‘how are you doing’ to catch up and concern. But it seems it’s not important now…Like what he’ve said, if the person still loves you, he will long to talk to you, and misses you everyday. He wouldn’t hesitate to call you, telling you how he misses you, and couldn’t wait to meet you and be with you.

It’s so different already. Everyday I would long to talk to him, and would call him to see how’s he doing. It wouldn’t mind to me if it costs me a lot and my phone bill goes sky rocketing, coz I think it’s worth it. It’s worth all of it to maintain and keep our relationship, or at least my love for him. Although I still wanted so much to do that now too, I couldn’t anymore. He is right, it has to work both ways. He’ve been trying to tell me how things are from his side, which I failed to fully understand. Maybe because I’ve never been in his shoes before and I haven’t felt the way he feels before. I just hope he's being truthful to me all this while.

I want so much to hang on, to open that door in his heart once again that is shut. He would peek through the door once in a while but most of the time, it will be closed and it becomes a gate. You can see through the gates, but you couldn’t get inside. Here I am, standing on the other side of the gate…I have a key, but it’s not the right key to open that gate. It fits in the lock, but it just wouldn’t open. Or at least, he wouldn’t let me open it.

Am I just still trying to force things to happen? Yeah, forcing wouldn’t lead to anywhere, it will only make things worse. I will not be too emotional and make things from bad to worse again. I must control myself. Still, deep down inside, it’s so saddening as if I’ve been stabbed through many times, and slowly pulling the knives out. The wounds hurt so much, and I wonder how long will it take to heal.

I pray and ask Daddy everyday to forgive me for the past, when I didn’t listen to Him. I regretted so much for things that happened, and I really hope Daddy will only give me one more chance to make things happen. I would do anything to bring it back and make it work. I pray that Daddy will take things from my hands, and I just follow wherever He leads me to. Daddy knows best for me.

I wonder what is he doing everyday…I wonder whether he would have had his breakfast everyday, I wonder who will he be hanging out with when he’s lonely, I wonder who would he confide in when he’s matters and issues clouding his mind. I wonder whether he would still be thinking of me, I wonder if he still misses me.. even only for a little while.

I pray to Daddy to take care of Him everyday. I pray that he will be in good hands, coz he loves Him, and He is the first in his heart. I ask Daddy to work in him, that he will change and improve from his weaknesses, so that he will not repeat the same mistakes anymore. I pray that Daddy will keep him company when he feels lonely, sad or depressed, and when he needs someone to talk to.

Daddy, please let him know that there is still someone here who thinks of him, missing him and praying for him everyday….our love may have failed, but Yours will not forever.