Day 36 without Dan- Vulnerable Again

Again…I tried very hard to get over it, to the point where I almost threw everything behind already. But why is it all coming back to me again?

I tried very hard to be strong. I tried very hard to put things behind. I was strong at one point of time. But since when did I become so vulnerable again? Seeing somebody you love doesn’t want you back is the utmost saddest thing at this very moment. Seeing him leave is so hard, and I’m so much in pain.

I don’t understand why is it so easy to do so. Why does it seem so easy for it to come to an end? I have not done this to anyone before, and I don’t think I will ever do this to anyone. If only he knows how much pain I am in right now. I cannot bare to let others go through times in despair like this for me. For it to end like this, I rather not let it start in the first place.

I have to admit I am in a very vulnerable state again. I can’t let myself be like this for long anymore. I’m wasting myself away like that everyday. I know there’s something I need to do. I must change the way I see for a relationship. I shouldn’t have the same attitude towards a relationship anymore. I can’t let them hurt me anymore. I’m now starting to understand the reason people can go beyond themselves to do irrational things and betray themselves for temporary relieve. But I know this is not what I could tolerate. I know I cannot do this to hurt myself. It is not right in the eyes of God.

I can only hang on to God and rest in His arms of comfort. I do not know why God wants to take another precious person in my life away from me, but I still want to believe that All things work together for the good to those who Love God. I am in the verge of breaking down, but I still want to grasp that little hope that I can still see with the last bit of strength I have right now.

Father, I know you are there. I know You will bring me out of the darkness. I’m waiting for You to come and take me out of despair. You’re the only One that I can trust and depend on, because You know what is going through inside me more than anyone else. Please give me a new hope in life, and may I fulfill Your purpose in me. I will honour You with the new job You provided me, and I will stay faithful to You.

I still remember the promised I’ve made to Dan. I will stay pure. I hope he will make that promise to me too, and ultimately, to God. May God be our witness, for we are both accountable to Him as God’s children.