Day 4 without Dan in Penang

Dan went online later than before yesterday nite. I was anxious and worried so I asked. He told me that he went out with a friend for dinner and came back a little late. Dinner, alone with her? =S

I thought he told me not to do things like that, but he did it himself, which I really am not satisfied with his behaviour. Besides, knowing the history of her, I don't really like the feeling of this person becoming his good friend. He also told me not to be close with his ex-girlfriend's friends, but what is he doing right now?

I don't know. Many things started to changed. He made me felt all this while that I'm not to be worth expressing his feelings for, and I have to take the initiative everytime. I am struggling very hard not to think so much, but he is far away and things are not in my control. Oh God, how helpless do I feel right now. =(

I woke up this morning having very bad dreams about him. This is not the first time, because I had it so many times before. It seemed that it didn't matter to him any single bit, and blamed me for kicking a big fuss out of it. For the second time of my life, I'm having the same bad feeling about relationships. I told myself not to make the same mistakes by putting too much feelings into a relationship, but it seemed I failed. I have to be stronger.

This should work 2 ways; he has something that I admire in and vice-versa. But it seems things are only working in one way. It seems that he's not too cared about me, probably because I have made him to be this way. What, it's my fault again?

Things start to cloud my mind. And I hope I'm just thinking too much. I feel so helpless, and I know I must hang on and be faithful to God. For all things work together for the good.